When I set down to write this blog post I wondered where to
start. I thought to myself. “Should I start in the 4th grade,
earlier, or later?” I decided that to fully understand my story I had to start
at the beginning. I look down at photo albums and I can show others pictures of
my family! I can show you my father and me at a carnival and all of us going on
road trips and etc. What I cannot show you is where it began. Where my life
changed drastically. I remember the Christmas where I got the hot wheels race
track and the remote controlled truck, and then I remember the Christmas filled
with fussing. My parents separated when I was at an early age. I still remember
the day my mother decided to tell my sister and me about it.
The last day my father was at our home is one I will
remember forever. It was late at night and I heard a scream. I ran into the
kitchen where my father stood and asked what had happened. His reply was, “Your
mama, sister, and you do not love me anymore.” I then walked into my parent’s bathroom
where I saw my mother crying after an altercation. I did not see my father for
quite some time after this.
I became highly depressed after this and done what so many
do, I ate my way out of my depression. I gained over 100 pounds in one year. I
remember being picked on for my size, the way I dressed, the way I talked and
acted. This continued the cycle. I would become more depressed because of what
people said to me and the pain they caused me. “You're fat!” was a common one.
Others where, “You're ugly,” “You are strange,” “You dress funny,” “You talk
funny,” and many more.
Apparently wearing button up/down shirts, liking 50’s music,
and loving politics is just not normal in elementary school. Once I had a “friend”
who decided he was going to tell me every day how ugly my clothes were and how
I should dress like him. Another person told me that I wore eye makeup because
I was so ugly, I've never worn eye make up by the way. Lots of kids gave me
great advice and told me that liposuction would help me out tons.
In the early part of fifth grade I decided that I had enough
of it all. I decided that I was worthless. It is extremely easy to convince yourself
that you're worthless after being told every day that you are worthless. In the
lunchroom of my school I wrote my plans on a paper napkin and folded it up and
put in my shirt pocket. That afternoon I went into my mother and stepfather's
bedroom, I unlocked the gun cabinet, and pulled out a gun. My life was already
pointless and there was no reason for me to continue living. I sat on their
bed, and while crying, I sobbed all the hurtful remarks I had been told. I said
that no one loved me, that I was gay, that I was ugly, that I was fat, and that
I just needed to die. I pointed to gun towards me and then I heard the door to
the house open. I ran inside my mother’s bathroom and hid the gun. I cleaned
myself up and walked out to find my grandmother standing there. She gave me a
hug and a kiss on the forehead and told me she loved me! She then told me she
felt like she needed to let me know that and that she would not know what to do
without me. She then left and walked across the dirt country road to her home.
I then put up the gun and quickly followed her. In that moment I decided that
the bullying I was facing was not going to get the best of me! I knew it was
not over, but I knew I was stronger than the words people said to me.
Later that same year I joined 4-H! I met two people who loved
me no matter what! My 4-H Agent, Mrs. Sheila Marchant, and 4-H Program Assistant,
Mrs. Lynn Thompson, was there for me no matter what. 4-H provided me with a
safe environment where I could be myself. At 4-H I was not worried about the
way I looked, dressed, talked, or acted, because I was Oakley G. Perry! I was
important! I could make the best better just like anyone else could. Now just
because I started in 4-H did the bullying stop? No! I was even bullied for
being such an active 4-H member. Teased for doing what I enjoyed, but I knew I
was making a difference.
In middle school the bullying continued. I stayed away from
gym classes after one experience with a coach who laughed at me. After that I
stayed away from a teacher, when I could, who called me a nerd or a dork every
single day in his classroom. I learned in middle school that bullying was not
always youth to youth or peer to peer but can be adult to youth and youth to
adult! I also learned that teachers can be some of the best bystanders. In the
eighth grade I had a teacher who heard a girl call me fat and ugly. The girl
told me, “You so fat you can hardly even fit in the desk!” The teacher did
nothing. That same year I had to sit during lunch with three other boys at a
small table; we were directed where to sit at each day. The boys sat down and
started talking about how fat I was. Then one said, “And Oakley why are you so
gay?” I did not even have a chance to say that I was not – although that does
not make anyone any less of a person or any less great – before another said, “Yes,
I bet you would love for us to give you our…” I'll let you decided what his
last word was. These boys then went on to talk about how I would love for them
to do things to me. I started to cry and got up and ran away to the library.
The sad thing is my table was right beside the teacher’s table and I had to run
right beside all of them while I was crying, but not one of them done anything.
I cried for 45 minutes straight in the back of the library before anyone even
came to see what was wrong, and when they did it was a support staff member. She
came and gave me a hug and told me everything was okay. Just so you know those
boys all had to wash lunch room tables for a day during recess for their
punishment.
In high school the bullying continued in the 9th
grade, but then it stopped in the 10th. See bullying has a few
characteristics. One is that there has to be a real or perceived power imbalance.
Lots of time we see the example of a tall kid and a short kid, but that is many
times not the case. In my case it was social class. I was perceived to be less popular
and lower on the totem poll if you will. In the 10th grade I was
elected by my peers in 4-H to serve on the Southeast District Senior Board of
Directors in Georgia. This position represented the 39 counties’ 4-H programs
in the Southeast corner of Georgia. When elected my perceived power imbalance
changed and the bullying stopped.
That year I had to write a speech on any topic to present at
the board training. I told my program assistant Mrs. Thompson that I wanted to
start fighting bullying. I sat down and wrote my story in a speech. I told of
how I tried to become a normal person, but how 4-H taught me that there is no
such thing as a normal person. I told of the many hurtful words and all that
had happened to me! When finished, there was not a dry eye. I began then working
to help others fight and prevent bullying.
Over the course of the next few years I would help start the
Georgia 4-H Bully Buster Program, now Teens Learning and Caring to Prevent
Bullying, become elected the Georgia 4-H President, give speeches to thousands
of youth about bullying, teach bullying prevention at national workshops and
events, and be selected to serve in the position I do now as a National Healthy
Living Youth Ambassador. So many times I pray to my God and ask why I had to go
through what I did. I ask why I had to lose my family, I ask why youth and
adults had to be so hurtful, but then I realize that my mission on this word is
to help others! I realize that not every youth fighting bullying can have an
outlet like 4-H or reverse the power imbalance as I did. I realize that we need
advocates for people being bullied. If someone was to ask me would I go back
and change it all, I would say no! I would tell them I would still go back and
point the gun to my head, I would go back and take the remarks and the pain,
because those experience is the reason I am able to help others today. If when
I die I have only helped one other person overcome bullying then my pain would
be worth it all! We are all unique and have gifts and talents. We all can go do
great things and make a difference.
Last year I was invited to be a part of a youth panel at the
Federal Partners Bullying Prevention Summit in Washington D.C. at the event I
said, “I will fight for the rest of my life to end bullying or until it is no
longer an issue!” this is what I intend on doing for no one should ever cry themselves
to sleep as I have, or feel the need to cause pain on themselves, or feel worthless.
I end all of my speeches the same way. It is a signature thing
of mine and I felt it only fitting to end this blog post the same way. I am
Oakley G. Perry, a South Georgia 4-H’er, who through the power and magic of 4-H
is now a shining diamond helping other however I can! I am and always will be
not only Jeff Davis County 4-H and not only Georgia 4-H, but I am 4-H!
If you have any questions, want to know what you can do in the world of bullying prevention, or have a concern please contact me at ogperry@uga.edu
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